I love watching TV: the drama, the escapism, goodies 'n' baddies — pure distraction from real life!

The release of dopamine that comes from the scandal — oh my gosh, she didn't! You're hooked in, reacting from the gut, really feeling it. Whoo hoo, it’s a ride. No time for grey — the drama instantly satisfies our need for stimulus and incident.

But what happens when the drama spills over into relationships at home and at work?

Do you ever have a conversation with someone that you thought was headed in one direction only for it to go completely off course, leaving you bewildered and wondering how you ended up feeling angry, resentful or misunderstood? How you ended up feeling like a child again?

Or do you find yourself in repeated situations with a co-worker or family member that always go the same way, leaving you feeling well… rubbish?

Welcome to the Drama Triangle.

Drama triangle showing victim, rescuer and persecutor roles

Please meet our three protagonists:

Victim → 😩
Rescuer → 😇
Persecutor → 😠

A Simple Example

Ben is trying to get some IT working.

Ben
Arghh! I can't get this piece of IT to work. Why is it all so complicated? And I can't remember my password. Everything is against me! 😩

Tina (swooping in from just outside the room)
I know what you need to do — I'll do it for you! 😇

Ben
What are you doing? I'm not an idiot. Leave me alone! 😠

Tina
I was only trying to help. I won't do anything next time 😩… then you'll see 😠!

Ben
No, no — it's fine. I'm sorry. I don't want you to feel bad 😇. Come back! Oh no… I've ruined everything again 😩.

What Happens Next

Ben and Tina both end up feeling annoyed, righteously angry and misunderstood — things didn’t go the way either of them wanted.

The drama is addictive, so you will need to decide if you want to step off.

If you find yourself in Victim 😩, go back to your childhood — to a time when you felt overwhelmed, lost or bullied. Who was there to help? Who soothed you and helped you problem solve?

When you're in Victim you are transported back in time to being that little boy or girl. In the here and now though, you've got your Adult self, who can ask for help, think things through and problem solve.

You can reassure the younger part of you that you're ok — you've got this. You can ask for what you need.

If you find yourself in Persecutor 😠, think back. When did you decide that the safest way to survive was to look down on others?

How did your family respond to vulnerability, failure or different ways of life?

What did you need when you were little that was not given, so you decided you'd better toughen up? What are you defending against when you feel so sure about how others should do things?

If you find yourself in Rescuer 😇, when did you decide that it was best if you did everything for everyone?

What problems in your own life are you covering up by solving other people's problems without them asking?

Ask what help people might actually need.

If you notice these patterns appearing again and again in your relationships, therapy can help you understand where they come from and how to step out of them.

You can learn more about the support available on the therapy services page.